when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"
Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work.
My foreman got jealous.
People started thinking I was the foreman."
MASSS |
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Two neighbors were talking about work,
when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?" Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."
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A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. "I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. "The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars." People who do lots of work..make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work..make less mistakes, People who do no work..make no mistakes, People who make no mistakes.. ......get promoted. Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!" "That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it!" "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys," "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete." The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday." When I take a long time, I am slow.
When my boss takes a long time, he is thorough. When I don't do it, I am lazy. When my boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When I do it without being told, I'm trying to be smart. When my boss does the same, that is initiative. When I please my boss, that's brown-nosing. When my boss pleases his boss, that's co-operating. When I do good, my boss never remembers. When I do wrong, he never forgets. What did the lonely banana say? -
I am a Kela What did the potato say when it answered the phone - “aalooo” Where do cabbages hang out? - In the “Gobi” desert What language do carrots speak- “Gajar-ati” Which subject does the snake like - Hisss- tory What did one computer say to the other - “have a byte” Are you qualified to be a professional
The following quiz consists of four questions that tell you whether or not you are qualified to be a professional. The questions are not that difficult. You just need to think like a professional. 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. This question tests whether or not you are doing simple things in a complicated way. ******************************************************** 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? Incorrect answer: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and shut the refrigerator. Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This question tests your foresight. *********************************************** 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend? Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator! This tests if you are capable of comprehensive thinking. OK, if you did not answer the last three questions correctly, this one may be your last chance to test your qualifications to be a professional. *************************************************** 4. There is a river filled with crocodiles. How do you cross it? (You dont have a boat!) Correct Answer: Simply swim through it. All the crocodiles are attending the animal meeting! This question tests your reasoning ability. · The population of this country is 237 million.
· 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. · There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. · Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. · 4 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. · Take from the total the 14.8 million people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. · There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. · Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. · · That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me. And you’re just sitting there reading jokes all day! Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, and slowly tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, Unfortunately he misjudged the bottom step!. He tried to steady himself by grabbing the banister, but his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. The whiskey bottles in each of his back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled & stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?" Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?" "Well," she said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror! |